Obese Salmon Unable To Swim Upstream To Spawn

“I wish some female would just come down here and let me externally fertilize her eggs so I wouldn’t have to swim all the way up to the goddamn headwaters,” the salmon said. “Not that any female would let me deposit sperm on her roe anyway.”

Read on at The Onion

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

According to company officials, Zipcarp’s inaugural fleet consists of 8,000 carps in six major American cities and several university towns, providing customers with the option to rent a carp by the hour or day.

Read on at The Onion